


A dis-ass-ter

by tothetrashwhereibelong



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Asexual Raphael Santiago, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crack, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Multi, Nonbinary Meliorn (Shadowhunter Chronicles), Other, Sub Simon Lewis, Switch Maia Roberts, also dont worry raphael is one hundred percent asexual and sex repulsed here, also meliorn had nothing to do with the mark of cain in this AU for obvious reasons, and not at all involved in any implied sexual content, and raphael and simon are on way better terms also for obvious reasons, blink and you'll miss it Trans Maia Roberts, implied BDSM, kind of implied cis simon, meliorn uses she/they pronouns, other than that everything is the same i guess. idk i didn't think too much about the lore lol, the polycule are all in love and healthy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-17
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-26 16:01:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30108483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tothetrashwhereibelong/pseuds/tothetrashwhereibelong
Summary: Simon and Maia find out what the Mark of Cain is in an... Alternate way.Namely, they can't get their spanking session on.The squad is called in to help.
Relationships: Magnus Bane & Maia Roberts, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Maia Roberts/Raphael Santiago, Meliorn/Maia Roberts, Simon Lewis/Maia Roberts, Simon Lewis/Meliorn, Simon Lewis/Meliorn/Maia Roberts/Raphael Santiago, Simon Lewis/Raphael Santiago
Comments: 6
Kudos: 16





	A dis-ass-ter

**Author's Note:**

> All the thanks to grembo and elion for talking to me when I first brought this idea and convincing me to make this fic! I hope you like it. 
> 
> It's been a while since I've last written a crackfic, and I'll be honest, I'm pretty happy with it. I missed this
> 
> English is not my first language, so feel free to let me know if you spot any mistakes! Also, please leave comments either way, I really appreciate it

It's nothing they haven't done a thousand times before. 

Really, it's not even _complicated_. The safety precautions are all very basic, and Maia already knows the drill like the palm of her hand. No pun intended. 

What could possibly go wrong? 

Apparently, this is what. 

She tries to land another strike, this time, going extremely slow, making sure she is following the movement of her own hand with her eyes so she isn't missing anything. Just as it was supposed to, Maia's hand lands on Simon's ass, the loud slap echoing in the room.

And then she feels the pain on her own ass.

 _What the fuck?_

"Maia? What is going on?" Simon asks, turning his head towards her, which is really pointless, since he is blindfolded. "I hear slapping, but I can't feel anything."

"Well, _I_ can feel it," she says, frustrated. 

Simon frowns, which is a really funny look behind the blindfold, and Maia would probably be more endeared if she weren't so lost. 

_At least I'm a switch,_ Maia thinks for a second, because she tries to look at things on the bright side. Still, it feels weird to slap her own ass, especially when she has partners who could do that for her. 

"Can you explain me what's going on?" Simon asks, sounding genuinely lost, before adding, "...please, Mistress?"

"I can't slap your ass," Maia answers, because that's really all she can say. 

Simon sounds alarmed. "Shit, do you need to safeword? That's alright, baby, you should have just told me. I'll just need you to uncuff me and we can do something else, some aftercare, I know you like to watch movies-"

"No, Simon. I _physically_ can't slap your ass!"

"...Do you want me to get it higher up?"

"No! Whenever I do, I feel it on me instead. See?" she says, slapping him again, "Can you even feel it?"

"...Are you sure it is _my_ ass you're slapping?"

"Yes, Simon, I'm sure it is your ass. I did it really slowly to check."

"That's weird."

An awkward silence falls, because that sentence sums it up perfectly and there are no other words left. 

"Maybe there's a portal on your ass," Maia mumbles. "Did you open a portal in your ass?"

"No??? Why would I do that?? Or _how_? I can't use magic."

"I don't know, some elaborate prank?"

"Well, I'm missing out on a spanking, so no. Also, you know I suck at pranking, I'd have started laughing before we even took our clothes off."

"Shit, that's true. Then who opened a portal on your ass?" 

"I feel like we shouldn't rush to the conclusion that there's a portal on my ass."

"Well, what else could it be?"

"I don't know? The possibilities are endless. I'm a newbie in the Shadow World, remember?" he says, wiggling his butt in an outraged way. "Maybe we should call a specialist."

"A specialist in ass portals?"

"Again, I feel like we are rushing to conclusions here."

"Magnus did invent the portal."

"Sure, call Magnus."

*

Magnus is about to begin very similar activities when Maia calls. 

It's been a while since Alec last had a day off, and Magnus was _really_ excited about the new handcuffs (they suppress his magic _and_ his ability to cum. Unless! Alec! Lets him! _**Yes!**_ ), so he almost considers not picking up. But when people come for his help, it tends to be serious, and besides, this is _Maia_ , so he can't make himself ignore it. He looks at Alec apologetically, but all Alec does is smile up at him as he passes him his phone. He makes an "I'll be done in a minute" gesture, but Alec doesn't look fooled.

Well then. 

"Hello?" Magnus says, in his best I-am-totally-not-naked voice. Alec snorts, and Magnus almost throws something at him, but there aren't many objects available in his bed. "Maia?"

"Magnus!" she says, sounding distressed, and Magnus perks up, alarmed, " _I can't spank Simon's ass!_ "

"Oh," he says, finally relaxing, seeing the way Alec, who had been going for his bow, mirrors his actions, looking curious. Magnus extends him a placating hand, signing to him that it's nothing major. He's glad this is just some teenage drama, not something overly complicated involving, say, magic and the Seelie Queen. Now _that_ would be a problem. "That's alright, dear. I'm sure Simon will understand. Not everyone is into that. I, for example, am strictly into s-"

"No!" Maia screams, still distressed, and Magnus falls silent fast, "His ass is _broken!_ "

Okay, _that_ is definitely more worrying, but Magnus placates himself by thinking that, again, at least it's not related to some complicated magical plot Daylighter thing. "I'm afraid I need more information, dear. What exactly happened? Have you two done research before practic-"

"No! I mean, yes! Of course we've done research. But that's not the problem. I think there's a portal on his ass."

"Like, inside the-" 

"No! Just the cheeks! Well, I mean, actually, I don't know. Simon, is the portal inside your ass?"

" _There is no portal in my ass!_ "

"I think we'll have to check."

"Ok," Magnus says, and waiting room music starts playing over the line. Hm, Frank Sinatra, exquisite. He much prefers the original version of Garota De Ipanema, of course, but that is still not bad. He never expected it to be quite Maia's style, but then again, she is pretty eclectic, and- 

"I can't fuck his ass!" Maia says, picking up the phone again. 

"Ok," Magnus says, scratching his head a little, trying to think. "You said something about a portal. Does it lead anywhere that you can see, or-"

"No," Maia says, and for a second, Magnus has nightmarish visions of mundane television broadcasting the mysterious penis that showed up midair in the middle of Mumbai, but then she continues, "I just can't get in. It goes back. When I tried spanking him, it slapped _my_ ass! Why is his ass leading to my ass?"

"That doesn't sound like a portal," Magnus says, calmly. "It might be some sort of blocking spell. Like a shield. They can't really differentiate between, uh, friendly and unfriendly intrusions." Then he pauses, "Although it _is_ weird that the pain came back to you. Are you sure that _you_ are not the one cursed?"

"Me?" Maia asks. 

"Yes. I know a hex like that, every time you try to inflict pain, it is inflicted on you instead. Not that difficult to pull off, I should be able to undo it easily. We should move fast, though, because if the person plans on attacking you, it means you can't defend yourself," Magnus says, magicking some clothes on. Looks like the plans are officially cancelled. He can see Alec nodding, putting the handcuffs, blindfolds, vibrators, plugs, paddles, collars, wax, condoms, gags, and dildos they had selected for today all back in the box. "But we need to be sure. Where are you?" 

"Uh, we are home, but- give me a minute, I think we need to test. I'll call you back?" 

"Of course, my little pretzel."

He can hear her smile on the other end of the line. She sounds more calm when she says, "okay, bye."

"Looks like I'm on call," Magnus says, shaking his phone a little bit for emphasis. "By the way, _Maia_ likes my nicknames."

*

Maia stares at her phone for a second, thinking of who they can ask for help with this. She never considered _she_ could be the hexxed one. Fuck. 

"What if it's Russell?" she thinks, a little scared. "Do you think he would do that?" It sounds pretty cowardly, making someone unable to fight you like that. It's not like she and Russell ever came to that before. Then again, she would totally kick his ass. 

"I don't know. You know I don't love the guy, but it doesn't sound his style," Simon says. "Maybe we should test, like you said." He adds, trying to go for calming and cheerful and hitting unsure and slightly hysterical right on the head.

"Yes, you're right," she says, running her hands through her hair. "How do we do that?"

"Well, could you untie me first? It's weird that you're just, like, talking to my ass."

"Right, sorry."

*

They come to the conclusion that they should call someone else for Maia to slap and to slap Simon, so they can check which one of them is it about, or if it's about the _both_ of them somehow. Meliorn is the obvious choice, since, well, they've done this before. 

"Mel," she says, "I need you to come here and slap me and Simon."

"I do not wish to inflict harm on either of you," Meliorn answers, in the tone of someone who is looking up at a tree and trying to figure something out and is not interrupting that activity to talk, but is still paying attention to the conversation anyway. Meliorn has very precise entonations. 

"No, I know, it's just a quick slap, just to test something. Please? Si- I- We might be in trouble."

Meliorn shows up in front of her. Maia turns off her phone, sighing, and feeling just a little safer with them there. She really hopes Russell isn't planning anything. At least with Meliorn she'd have someone to protect her. 

"I resent that. I literally have superstrength, of course I'd protect you too," says Simon, who apparently can read minds now. 

"Yeah, but I mean, still. Meliorn has magic, that's always more helpful."

"So my cool powers mean nothing to you, huh?"

"I fail to understand how slapping could help either of you," Meliorn interrupts, looking very calm and ethereal-like as they stand in front of Simon's Naruto poster. 

"It's just for a test. Actually, I'd have to be the one to slap you, then you'd slap Simon," she says. 

"That is only a minor difference," they reply, but nod. "Any preference for a place?"

Maia extends her hand, looking at her hesitantly. She just looks back at Maia, immobile. Maia bites her lip. 

"You have my full permission," Meliorn says. 

Maia slaps her shoulder. Not too light, since tapping Simon had no effect, but not too strong, either. She doesn't feel anything on her own shoulder. Or her ass. 

"So?" Simon, who apparently can no longer read minds, asks. 

"Nothing unusual," Maia says. 

"Nor on my end," Meliorn replies. "Should I slap Simon now?"

"Yeah, sure."

Meliorn slaps Simon's shoulder, and then makes a little noise. 

"I didn't feel anything." Simon says. 

"So it _is_ you who are hexxed," Maia says. 

"Yeah, thank G-d," Simon replies. Then he adds, "what? At least it's not you,” when Maia looks at him weird. 

"You are the sweetest, did you know that?" she asks. 

"Careful, we're going to start being disgusting again."

"Okay, so this is definitely some kind of shielding spell," Maia agrees. "Should I call Magnus again?"

*

Magnus says that he doesn't know any spell quite like that, at least not any that allows it to be done without being initiated by the person spelled. He still shows up to check on Simon, though, which leads to seeing some unfortunate items they forgot to put back on its places and also the diagnosis that whatever it is, it is Seelie magic, not a warlock's. 

"Seelie magic? Could it have anything to do with the weird ritual the Seelie Queen performed on me?"

“No, I’m sure it’s something else,” Magnus says, dryly, “The Seelie Queen performed an unknown ritual on you and you didn’t even _consider_ it might have something to do with that before??”

“Well, I mean, nothing in particular happened at the time.”

“And you thought maybe the ritual was just for the shits??”

“Well, no, but Maia was staring at my forehead for a really long time trying to figure it out, and then I said, ‘I mean, even if you figure it out, what are you going to do, kiss my booboo away?’ and then she kissed my forehead, so we started being all cute and stuff, and I forgot.”

“Why am I only now hearing about this?” Meliorn says, sounding distressed, because obviously they had nothing to do with the ritual or anything about that particular plotline, since that would be ridiculous. “And why didn’t you come to me before?”

“Simple: I am a himbo,” Simon says. 

“ _Simon_ ,” Magnus sighs, pressing his fingers to his temples, and thinking that maybe he should send Alec a text to let him know that his _totally super quick visit to Simon’s place, babe, I promise, seriously there’s no need to raincheck do NOT put it all back in the drawer I’ll be right back_ will actually not be that quick and maybe they will have to raincheck. Maybe. "Can you explain to us what exactly happened?"

So Simon describes the whole thing about how the Seelie queen branded his forehead with the help of some totally not-Meliorn seelie (again, why would Meliorn do that? That would be ridiculous and OOC) and all that pizzazz, finishing the whole narrative off with a "crazy, right?"

Magnus and Meliorn look at each other, and Maia is totally expecting that they will say, "of course! We know exactly what this is and it is very easy to solve and Simon's ass will be fuckable again in no time," but instead they say, "we will need to do research. I've never heard of anything like this before."

As Magnus' portal closes, they can hear him say, "Alexander, I'm afraid we'll need to raincheck," to which Alec deadpans, "no, really?". Meliorn leaves a kiss on both of their foreheads and says that she will get to the bottom of this before disappearing with her own portal. 

So it's just Maia, Simon, the messy bed, and the ropes and blindfold they need to put back under his bed again. And there is nothing they can do but wait. 

*

Simon is like, spectacularly drunk. 

That is not too hard to happen, of course, because he is a known lightweight and Maia's bloody Marys (ha! That's right, they have _blood_ ) are strong. Still, after a week of no relevant news from either Magnus or Meliorn, it looks like Simon was even more helpless to the effects of alcohol. Either that, or he really needed an excuse to scream, 

"THE SEELIE QUEEN HAS CURSED MY ASS!"

At the top of his lungs in the middle of Hunter's Moon. 

The rest of the clients ignore him, because they have heard all about it before. Raphael, who is beside him, nurses his own bloody Mary with a way too amused smile. He looks absolutely fond, which is a weird way to react to Simon mumbling, "what does she even have against my ass?", but that's Raphael for you. At least Maia doesn't have to worry about Raphael having a weird time at their triple date. Then again, she's sure he already knows how weird they are at this point.

"Has he been whining like this ever since?" Raphael asks, doing a shit job of hiding his laugh as he takes a sip of his drink. 

"Yup," she replies, checking a cup against the light to make sure it's dried. "Tried everything to make him look on the bright side, didn't work. Guess all we can do is wait for Magnus and Meliorn to call."

"We can trust them," Raphael says, sounding absolutely serious. "They will figure it out." 

She smiles at him. "Yeah, of course they will," she answers, ruffling his hair a bit, because she can't help it. Raphael lets her, because he also can't help it. "We'll just have to deal with him up until then."

"Labour division," Raphael nods. Maia laughs. 

Simon continues with his rant. "I am _completely_ unfuckable. No butt business at all, nada!" He says. "We tried everything. I have THREE whole partners, and NONE of them can fuck me!!"

"Well, I have never fucked you," Raphael points out, unfazed. 

"Yes," Simon says. He then turns towards the camera to look directly into your eyes as he continues, "That is true. Raphael and I don't fuck, and we never will, because he is asexual and sex-repulsed and is not interested in that, with me or anybody else. He won't fuck any of his other partners either, and that is wonderful and valid and should be respected by the fandom." After that, Simon turns back to Raphael and says, "but that is _not_ the point! It's not about you, it's about my ass!!"

"Of course, my apologies," Raphael deadpans. 

"Simon, come on. We'll figure this out. We just need to… Talk to the seelie queen," Maia says, her voice faltering at the last words. "I mean, what she's gonna do? Kidnap us again? That's gotta have gotten old by now."

"You shouldn't test her like that," Raphael says, voice serious and eyes hard. Maia can see the way his fists clench as he says it, and she can't help but smile as she takes his hand and places a small kiss there. 

"We'll be fine, I promise," she says. 

"You'll let me know if you need help, right?" Raphael asks, instead of taking Maia's empty promise. 

At that moment, Simon's phone rings. 

*

"It's something called the Mark of Cain," is the first thing Simon says after he hangs up his phone. 

"The Daylighter curse??" Raphael asks. 

"Yes- wait, you _knew_ about this? And didn't tell me?"

"I knew what the curse of Cain is, I didn't know that's what _was_. All you told me is that your ass was 'sealed shut', there was nothing about that in the spellbooks."

"So Cain is withholding information," Simon mumbles. 

"Maybe that just wasn't his priority," Maia suggests. 

"Maybe he never tested," Raphael adds. 

"Maybe he just left me to perish," Simon counters. 

Raphael rolls his eyes. "Come on. Let's get you home. You need to be sober when we go talk to the Seelie Queen."

*

A whole commission was sent on a diplomatic mission to get Simon's ass back, including Maia, Raphael, Magnus, Alec, Meliorn herself, and even Cain, whom had not been seen by anyone in millions of years but Simon was able to track down in the New York sewers that very same week. How convenient!

Meliorn designed their strategy for talking to the Queen, and her and Magnus led the negotiations. Raphael also spoke in the name of all of the vampires, saying Simon's interests were theirs as well, which Simon thought was totally sweet. 

Magnus and Meliorn's speech was very in sync, a result of long rehearsal, and everything went down smoothly. Cain offered to let the Seelie Queen observe _him_ in Simon's place, so she wouldn't miss out on her shiny, unique toy. They all kneeled before her as Meliorn finished her speech, saying, "we beg of you, my queen, let the Daylighter make his own choice."

The Seelie Queen then said, "k lmao," and undid the spell. 

*

It isn't until Simon is back in the safety of the regular realm that he throws his arms up and says, "my ass is back!", promptly leading to a montage of celebratory cheers and hugs among the commission. 

"We should celebrate!" Maia suggests, "Finally, Simon will stop crying about this." 

"I agree," Meliorn replies, smiling slyly at the both of them. "We should celebrate."

"Alright, I'm out," Raphael says, because he is a sex-repulsed ace and not interested in that type of celebration. "Have fun," he adds, because he is happy for his partners. 

And have fun they do. Once Magnus and Cain leave as well, of course, because otherwise that would be weird.

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a comment if you've read this far!


End file.
